I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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