Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You are the jesus of drinking
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
