it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
