so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
