Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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