All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
