mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
