Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
