So drunk its hurt
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
