no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The best revenge is premature balding
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
