He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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