No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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