I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
