I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
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if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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