i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
