I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
