The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
