Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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