i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
