i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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