My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
