I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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