The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
