I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
