You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
