im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
