my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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