thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
