dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
