Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
