I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
