So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
