the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
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"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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