It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She tied me up with her honor cords...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
