Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
