You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
