my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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