you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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