just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I fill condoms, not promises.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
