I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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