If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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