my sisters under your porch take her home
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
