I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
