True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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