And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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