I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
