What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
