Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
false alarm. still invincible.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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