bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude i'm inner monologue high
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
