Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
