btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
