I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
