i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
