I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Mom said you looked used
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
