Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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