end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
cat food counts as protein by the way
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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