i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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