he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
