I heard we made out
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
