My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
