i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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